The Joy of Freedom

Finally, October 31, 2003, came. I took all the pills I could gather that I knew would kill me and placed them in front of me on the kitchen table. I sat there for hours—thinking whether or not I should swallow them.

Then I prayed again: "Lord, look at me. I guess I really messed it up. So please take me home or get me out of this alive. I cannot go on like this anymore."

Without knowing it, I was at Step 1 of recovery. I admitted my helplessness. I did not swallow the pills.

Some time later, I saw an American preacher on TV. I watched—but without any real interest. But the next day I went to their homepage. They had something they called "Hopeline." I shared about my homosexuality—not that I ever had the thought of leaving it. I just wanted to share my pain. They gave me the link to Homosexuals Anonymous.

I went to the webpage and was totally shocked! I started reading everything there. Then I went to other homepages: Exodus, NARTH, etc. I was totally fascinated. Never before had I heard that anyone would want to leave the "gay" life or that it was not as gay and natural as everyone had told me!

HA had a thing called the "online program." I registered, thinking, "It didn’t work my way so why not try something else."

I shared my struggles with the other brothers in the online chapter on a daily basis. I slowly got into that thing called Christianity. I started reading the Bible and found that it was the most fascinating book I had ever read.

These months were really hard. I opened my heart to the Lord and He came in and everything went upside down (or should I say right side up)! I was finally a reborn Christian!

Some months after that, I was asked to become moderator of one of the online groups. I asked the man, "Why me? All the guys there are good Christians—I am totally new as a believer! None of the other men had a homosexual life that was as wild as the one I lived. Why not choose someone else?" He said, "That’s exactly why—you can tell it like it is like nobody else!"

And he was right. Whenever some guy dreamed of yielding to his homosexual feelings, I could warn him of what he had to expect. And it was not all one way by any means. These brothers helped me grow as a Christian.

Soon afterward, I was asked to give a seminar on homosexuality in my church. It was packed with people from different churches—family men, homosexuals, church folks—a pretty wild crowd!

That was when I started our HA group here called JASON, named after a young man who committed suicide because of physical torture by his non-Christian peers and being put down by his church. Though he struggled with homosexual feelings, he never acted out. He loved Jesus more than that. Still he was put down, but he never said a bad word against those who added to his pain. Finally, it became too much and he killed himself!

A pastor who had known Jason was invited to preach in the church that had so cruelly rejected him. He told them Jason’s story and of the impact his death was having on others. They were so moved that they repented and came to know the Lord in a new way.

I owe HA so much. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and He sure uses HA to reach out to those in need.

To those of you who struggle with same-sex attractions, I want to encourage you to never give up and to remember that the Lord doesn’t give up on you either. The road to recovery is a really long and difficult one, but take it from me: It’s all worth it!

--Robert G., Germany