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16506 FM 529 RD-115-Box 113
Houston, TX 77095
Tel. 832-884-7428

Newsletter for February 2009

UPDATE FROM DOUG M.

�OPERATION TREASURE�

New outreach material will be available from the HAFS office beginning the week of March 5, 2009.

�Treasure� is a single DVD playable on most computers and contains a reference source for Pastors, Teachers, Youth Leaders and Parents that includes four hours of lectures and many articles in written form covering all aspects of SSA.

We designed this DVD to be a reference source that will be easily accessible to anyone needing to address these issues.

THE TITLES INCLUDE:

1. Dear pastor I�m Gay
2. Dear church I�m Gay
3. Dear Mom I�m gay
4. I�m gay what do I do now?

We feel that this resource material is needed immediately by every Pastor, Teacher, Church, Christian school and family struggling with the issues of SSA in the United States.

go to the "CONFERENCE PAGE" FOR A FREE VIEWING OF THESE VIDEOS

THE PLAGUE OF LONELINESS

Step 7

�We resolved to entrust our lives to our loving God and to live by faith, praising Him for our new unseen identity, confident that it would become visible to us in God�s good time.�

Many people, who have never struggled with homosexuality themselves, are puzzled by the fact that intelligent men and women, knowing something of the physical, emotional, and spiritual costs of that life, still allow themselves to be drawn into it. They are even more puzzled when they see these same people getting severely hurt in that life and yet clinging desperately to it, bitterly reacting to all who try to urge them to seek something else, something better. Some are also perplexed when they hear of someone who has sought freedom, professed faith in Christ, who then relapses, returning to what they once said they were through with. Outsiders scratch their heads and ask, �Why?� They do not, indeed cannot, understand.

While one understands their perplexity from a rational point of view, same-sex attractions understands how difficult it is to leave that way of life and how easy it is to slip back into it. Why?

As John Stott explains, "At the heart of the homosexual condition is a deep loneliness, the natural human hunger for mutual love, a search for identity, and a longing for completeness� [John R. W. Stott, Decisive Issues Facing Christians Today, (Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 1984), p. 360].

Many of us who have struggled with homosexuality confess that we find tears welling up in our eyes and a deep pain in our hearts when we hear Hank Williams sing, �I�m so lonesome I could die.�

A universal problem

Of course the problem of loneliness is not unique to homosexual people. Suzanne Gordon writes, �Life in America has exploded, and loneliness is one main ingredient in the fallout. What was once a philosophical problem spoken of mainly by poets and prophets, has now become an almost permanent condition for millions of Americans, not only for the old or divorced but also for the men and women filling singles bars and encounter groups, the adolescents running away from home or refusing to go to school, the corporate transients who move every two or three years, and the people calling suicide and crisis hot-lines in search of someone to talk to. Knowing no limits of class, race, or age, loneliness is today a great leveler, a new American tradition� [Lonely in America, (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1976), p. 15-16].

�The dynamic of loneliness seems to universally include the following major components: feelings of hopelessness...which lead people to escape into relationships that might appear solidly grounded but that in reality are only a means to an end rather than an end in themselves; fear of experiencing feelings of loneliness; the desire to deny that one is actually lonely; and feelings of worthlessness and failure generated by the experience of loneliness� [Ibid., p. 28]. �It�s an empty feeling, loneliness. Empty and desolate� [Ibid., p. 25]. �A lack of human contacts is always painful. People need intimacy, warmth, a sense of worth and frequent confirmation of their identities� [Ibid., p. 31]

An especially acute problem for homosexual persons

But, while loneliness is a problem for many people, it is a particularly acute problem for those men and women who struggle with homosexuality. The uniqueness of their situation lies in the roots of their struggle and their response to those roots.

The roots of a homosexual struggle

As Dr. Reuben Fine noted, �A boy or girl who has a good warm relationship with a heterosexual father does not become an overt homosexual� [�Psychoanalytic Theory,� Male and Female Homosexuality: Psychological Approaches edited by Louis Diamant, (Washington, D.C.: Hemisphere Publishing Corporation, 1987), p. 91]. As Dr. Charles W. Socarides noted, �Homosexuals consistently describe the father either as a weak, shadowy, and distant figure or an angry, cold, or brutalizing one� [�Homosexuality Is Not Just an Alternative Life Style,� Male and Female: Christian Approaches to Sexuality edited by Ruth Tiffany Barnhouse and urban T. Holmes, III, (New York: The Seabury Press, 1976), p. 145].

The fruit of this root

When one has a painful relationship with one�s father, the result is anger toward one�s father. As Dr. Elizabeth Moberly notes, �Hostility toward the love source blocks the ability to receive love from the source, thus resulting in an unmet love need� [Psychogenesis: The Early Development of Gender Identity, (London: Routledge & Kegan Paul Limited, 1983), p. 12].

The result of this is, early in life, a deep feeling of loneliness. Many who struggle with same-sex attractions say, �I have always had these feelings, these longings, so I must have been born that way.� I ask, �Do you mean that when you were 2, 3, 5 you longed for anal or oral sex?� If the answer is yes, I ask who taught them about such behavior because the plethora of sex manuals shows that we are not born knowing how to engage in sexual acts. Someone has to teach us and we should not have been so taught when so young.

Usually, however, the answer is that the individual always remembers longing for a man to hold him and kiss him and cuddle him. It is perfectly normal for a little boy to want such tenderness; the thing that is abnormal here is that he did not get those needs met by his father.

We had a part

�Are you saying,� you might ask, that my homosexual feelings are all my father�s fault?� No, we had and have a part in the process.

When a child does not receive the love he longs for from his same-sex parent, Dr. Moberly writes, �A defensive barrier is erected.... The most fundamental defense is an unwillingness to receive love.... And once this particular defense has occurred...it may persist as an incapacity to receive love. ...Even if love is offered by the love-source subsequent to trauma, such love can no longer be received� [Ibid., p. 12, 13].

Such experiences can lead people to feel that the only way they can find love is through sex. After all, if one�s father did not love one, one must be seriously deficient. He or she must not have anything (or much) to offer. Sex must be all he or she has.

The result of all this can be seen in this revealing paragraph by a man who finally left homosexuality and found real life in the joy of marriage and family.

�My name is William Aaron. I am a human being, an American, a doubtful Christian, a Democrat, a cynic, a romantic, a son and brother and friend, a saloon pianist, a nicotine addict. I am myself; solitary. I long for the touch of love�but please, no strings attached. Relationships only confuse things. Communication is too difficult. Let me worship your body. You may use my body, as you like�as we together may intuit or decide that we both like for the moment. But aside from that, let�s not touch� [William Aaron, Straight: A Heterosexual Talks About His Homosexual Past, (Garden City, NY: Doubleday & Company, 1972), p. 10].

Can you think of anything lonelier than that? Longing for love with an intensity stronger than most know because of feeling unloved as a child, and yet fearing such love because of hurts from childhood that make it impossible to receive real love.

�It is this same-sex ambivalence which we would take to be the essence of the homosexual condition in both the male and the female,� says Dr. Moberly [Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, (Cambridge: James Clarke & Co. Ltd., 1983), p. 6-7]. �Basically this is an avoidance-approach conflict. The attraction involved in the need for attachment has to contend with the aversion involved in the defensive detachment� [Ibid., p. 6].

Can anything be done?

I hope as you have been reading this that you have been feeling hopeless for there is no cause for such a response. Something can be done to resolve your difficulties.

What you need to do

You are already doing part of what must be done to escape the terrible loneliness we have described. If, as you�ve been reading, you�ve seen yourself and the root of your problems and been willing to face them instead of continue in denial, acknowledging that you are part of the problem and being willing to work to resolve it, you have taken a huge first step towards overcoming this plague of aloneness.

Vital as that first step is, it must be followed by other steps. You must work to undo the defensive detachment that has been a part of your life since childhood, which seems to keep you safe, and which feels as natural as breathing.

This cannot be done by mere will power. You need to be aware of what is going on and fight hard to learn how to attach to healthy people. It takes time. Read books on friendship to develop basic skills.

Where can you find people with whom you can form healthy attachments? The first place I have found good friends has been church. Find a church that believes what the Bible teaches and seriously tries to live it. Don�t just go to worship; get into a small group. Observe the people. Building friendships is much different than looking for someone with whom to have sex. Don�t concentrate on a person�s appearance but on their heart. Look for someone with a kind soul, someone who has suffered, and whose life is not so full that they have no room for you. When you see a likely prospect, find something they enjoy and invite them to join you. Don�t tell them everything about yourself yet. Let them get to know you as a person. Get to know them as a person. Later, if it will help deepen your friendship, tell them of your struggles. Be sure you explain that you believe homosexual behavior is wrong and that you do not expect them to solve your problems �just be a good friend. Learn to give love to them (find ways to help them) and to receive love from them.

You might also want to consider a recovery group. If there is an HA group nearby, attend regularly. Other groups that you might find helpful, depending on your background and your life are groups dealing with co-dependency issues, groups dealing with abuse issues, Adult Children of Alcoholics groups, or sexual addiction groups. Again, take your time and select wisely. Try to make more than one friend to avoid the trap of emotional dependency.
What if the friendship doesn�t work? Ask yourself what went wrong? Is there something you should change? Find someone else and keep working on building friendships until you have them.

What others must do for you

Step 1 tells us we are powerless to solve our problems alone. We need God�s help and the help of others.

As a twenty-six-year-old homosexual man told Dan Kimball, �Gays who give up their homosexuality are giving up not only an entire sexual attraction but an entire support system as well. �Gay� most likely has become an identity for most of them and permeates every part of their life. Most church leaders do not understand how much someone leaves behind when they make the decision to walk away from homosexuality, and most in the church are not ready to help rebuild a support and relational structure. The church does not realize how desperately they need emotional support. I know plenty of examples of gays who were trying to change and joined a church but could not find the support they needed.� [They Like Jesus But Not the Church, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2007), p. 157]

John Stott says, �If homosexual people cannot find these things in the local 'church family', we have no business to go on using that expression. The alternative is not between the warm physical relationship of homosexual intercourse and the pain of isolation in the cold. There is a third option, namely a Christian environment of love, understanding, acceptance and support.... By 'accepting' I do not mean 'acquiescing'... True love is not incompatible with the maintenance of moral standards.� [Op. Cit., p. 360-361]

Sadly, some churches are as heartless as was Napoleon. In 1800, he �led his troops across the Alps as they returned to Italy. The journey was hardened by the snow, but Napoleon pressed on. To keep the troops moving in sequence, a drummer played a cadence by which they marched. One of these drummers slid on some ice and went over a large precipice. He fell into a drift of snow far below the advancing troops, but was miraculously unhurt. He began to beat his drum with the signal for relief, but not a single soldier broke rank because Napoleon commanded, �March on!� When it became obvious that nobody was coming to his aid, the young drummer stopped playing the cadence of relief. Those who marched that day never forgot what they heard next. After several minutes of silence, the abandoned drummer began to beat the funeral dirge. He played for his own funeral. Countless people who are lost without Christ will be left to play their own funeral march if we as Christians don�t break rank with our agendas and routines to provide spiritual relief.� [One Thousand Evangelistic Illustrations, Aquilla Webb, 1921, p. 91; The Timetables of History, Bernard Grun, 1982, p. 374 quoted in McHenry�s Stories for the Soul, compiled by Raymond Mc-Henry, (Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 2001), p. 94]

If that is the kind of church you are attending, their heart is wrong and they will hinder you rather than help you. Find a church that true both to the Bible�s doctrines and to the Bible�s heart. Keep looking till you find it.

As Dr. Moberly explains, �A defensive detachment from the same-sex love source, and consequent unmet needs for love, constitute the homosexual condition. Love is the basic problem, the great need, and the only true solution. If we are willing to seek and to mediate the healing and redeeming love of Christ, healing for the homosexual will become a great and glorious reality.� [Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, op. cit, p. 52]
--John J., Reading PA

POINTS TO PONDER

�Paul�s appeal to creation in Colossians is brilliantly simple. Since Jesus is the creator, the restorer of creation, and the new Adam, Paul argues, then being a Christian is all about returning to �normal� life. In other words, we experience the gospel�s power through the Lord remaking us in his image (Colossians 3:10). The Lord wishes us to live the way he originally intended for his creatures. Therefore we reject any thought of material things being evil (2:21-23), and we concentrate on changing in the nitty-gritty areas of life, like personal relationships (see 3:18-4:6).� [Mark Strom, The Symphony of Scripture: Making Sense of the Bible�s Many Themes, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1990), p. 29]

�You will invest your life in something, or you will throw it away on nothing.� [Haddon Robinson in 1001 Quotes, Illustrations & Humorous Stories for Preachers, Teachers & Writers edited by Edward K. Rowell, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1997), p. 31]

�Doth God work all things according to His will? Then give up thy will to Him. �It is not in man,� saith Jeremiah, �to direct his steps.� It is God that must direct them for thee, for He works all things according to His will. If any man in the world, if his understanding and will were a rule to mine, and I knew he were infallible, I would certainly go give up all my ways to what he saith. As you say you must be ruled by him who bears the purse, so you must be ruled by him who bears the understanding. Certainly, if any man hath an infallible understanding, I will be ruled by him. God hath: He works all things, and all effectually, by the counsel of His own will. Therefore in all thy ways give up thyself to Him.� [Thomas Goodwin in Alexander Whyte, A Commentary on the Shorter Catechism, (Edinburgh: T & T Clark, n.d.), p. 21]